"New Year, New Me!"
Fuck off.
You're still gonna be the same pretentious prick you always have been, except for the fact that you'll weigh slightly less for the first week of January. In fact, you won't, because in that single week where you stick to your "New Year, New Me" diet, all you'll be doing is burning off some of the calories you gained while gorging yourself stupid at Christmas.
Another common New Year's resolution is to "Drink Less Alcohol". And that is what January's Dryathalon is for. And only January. February the first, or should I say "thirst", you go for a drink to celebrate that you accomplished Dryathalon and get royally pissed, shattering your resolution.
Why do we make resolutions we can't stick to? Maybe we should just choose "My New Year's Resolution is to not live in 2014 anymore", at least that's achievable until H.G.Wells brings his time machine into our lives, piloting it through time and space, trying to escape that dystopian future with the weird crab things.
Maybe instead of making Resolutions, we should make some other strange and unnecessary tradition, but perhaps one that we can accomplish. Perhaps, instead of the Resolution, which will always lead to depression and failure, we should do something more attainable such as an en mass sex-change every year.
While I'm not quite at home with losing my penis every other year, I would be pleased with the fact that I wouldn't have to change my abbreviated name, Chris. But, this gender swapping would also be somewhat more beneficial than the Resolutions, as you would have to stick with it, and it would certainly open you to new possibilities.
Then you could certainly say "New Year, New Me" without people thinking you're a cunt.
(Topic suggested by Courtney Anne)
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